We like to think we’re perfectly normal people.
We behave ourselves in public. We say please and thank you. We wait our turn. We pretend not to notice when someone nearby is having an argument in a supermarket.
Then we get home, close the front door and apparently become completely different people.
Because when nobody is watching, the rules change.
We sing songs incorrectly. We have conversations with ourselves. We dance in the kitchen. We check the fridge for the fourth time, despite knowing perfectly well that nothing new has appeared.
And the best part?
We’re probably all doing it.
Singing The Wrong Lyrics With Confidence
You know the words.
Except you don’t.
You’ve been singing them incorrectly for years, but nobody has ever challenged you because they’ve either been too polite or they don’t know the words either.
Alone in the car or kitchen, however, you’re a superstar.
Full volume.
Absolutely no concern for accuracy.
And if you suddenly realise the actual lyric, there’s a good chance you’ll continue singing your version anyway.
You’ve been committed to it for 30 years.
Having Entire Conversations With Yourself
You ask yourself a question.
Then answer it.
Sometimes you even argue with yourself.
“What shall we have for dinner?”
“I’ll have that chicken.”
“No, we had chicken yesterday.”
“Fair point.”
It’s not talking to yourself.
It’s thinking out loud.
Apparently.
Rehearsing Conversations That Haven’t Happened
We’ve all done this.
Someone says something to you.
You think of the perfect response approximately four hours later.
So you replay the conversation in your head and deliver the brilliant comeback that would have been absolutely perfect at the time.
Sometimes you even rehearse future conversations.
You know exactly what you’ll say.
You’ve considered every possible response.
Then the actual conversation happens and you say:
“Yeah… fair enough.”
Dancing When Nobody Can See You
Put on the right song and suddenly the kitchen becomes a dance floor.
No choreography.
No rhythm required.
Just enthusiasm.
There may also be a little shoulder movement that would never be permitted in public.
And if someone unexpectedly walks in?
You immediately pretend you were reaching for something.
Checking The Fridge Again
You opened the fridge five minutes ago.
There was nothing interesting inside.
You open it again anyway.
Perhaps something has changed.
It hasn’t.
You close it.
Then, inexplicably, you return ten minutes later.
The fridge is not Amazon Prime.
It’s not going to magically deliver a cheesecake.
Practising Your Radio Voice
You answer the phone.
You say your name.
And for some reason, your voice changes.
Maybe it’s slightly deeper.
Maybe it’s more formal.
Maybe you suddenly sound like you’re presenting the evening news.
Then you hang up and immediately go back to your normal voice.
Nobody knows why.
Reading Things In Different Voices
A message.
A road sign.
The instructions on a packet.
A random bit of packaging.
Sometimes your brain decides that the words need to be read in a particular voice.
A posh voice.
A dramatic voice.
A newsreader voice.
A terrible accent.
There is absolutely no reason for it.
You do it anyway.
Trying To Open A Packet Without Making A Noise
Especially late at night.
You don’t want to wake anyone up.
So you carefully open the packet one millimetre at a time.
CRINKLE.
You freeze.
Silence.
You continue.
CRINKLE CRINKLE.
At this point, the packet has somehow become the loudest object ever manufactured.
Talking To Pets Like They’re People
If you have a pet, you know.
You don’t simply say:
“Come here.”
You have a full conversation.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“What have you done?”
“Are you hungry?”
“You’ve literally just eaten.”
And you somehow understand each other’s side of the argument.
Celebrating Small Victories
Nobody saw you put the bin out before it started raining.
Nobody saw you find the thing you’d been looking for.
Nobody saw you carry all the shopping bags into the house in one trip.
But you know.
And occasionally you give yourself a little nod.
Maybe even a quiet:
“Get in.”
Checking You’ve Locked The Door
You lock it.
Walk away.
Take three steps.
Then wonder:
“Did I actually lock that?”
You go back.
Check it.
It’s locked.
Walk away again.
Ten seconds later:
“Did I definitely check it?”
Congratulations.
You’re now checking whether you checked.
Trying To Catch Something Before It Falls
A mug slips.
Your hand shoots out.
You catch it.
For one glorious moment, you feel like an action hero.
Nobody saw it.
Which is unfortunate, because that was genuinely impressive.
Avoiding The One Floorboard That Makes A Noise
Every house has one.
You know exactly where it is.
You automatically avoid it.
Visitors have no idea why you’re walking across the landing at a strange angle.
You’ve spent years learning the safest route.
Having A Full Concert In The Shower
The acoustics are excellent.
The audience is imaginary.
The microphone is whatever happens to be nearby.
You may not be able to sing.
That is irrelevant.
The shower has excellent sound engineering.
Looking At Yourself In A Shop Window
You weren’t checking your reflection.
Obviously.
You were simply looking at something behind you.
And definitely didn’t adjust your hair, check your coat or wonder whether you looked all right.
Nobody saw.
Probably.
Making Excuses To Avoid Going Out
Sometimes you genuinely want to go out.
Then you get comfortable.
The sofa feels good.
The television is on.
You’ve got something to eat.
Suddenly the idea of putting shoes on seems completely unreasonable.
You start thinking:
“Do I actually need to go?”
Five minutes later, you’ve convinced yourself that staying home was the sensible decision all along.
Looking For Something While Holding It
This one is particularly impressive.
You can’t find your phone.
You search the table.
You check the sofa.
You look around the room.
You become increasingly frustrated.
Then you realise you’re holding it.
Sometimes you even use the phone’s torch to help you find the phone.
That’s when you know it’s time for a cup of tea.
Saying “Ow!” When Nobody Is There
You knock your elbow against something.
“Ow!”
You stub your toe.
“Ow!”
You drop something on your foot.
Several words that probably shouldn’t appear in a family blog.
Nobody heard you.
You still felt the need to announce it.
Giving Yourself A Pep Talk
“Right.”
“Come on.”
“Let’s get this done.”
“Five minutes.”
You give yourself a motivational speech before doing something incredibly ordinary.
Empty the dishwasher.
Sort the paperwork.
Make that phone call.
Clean the bathroom.
You’re basically your own life coach.
Pretending You’re In A Film
Sometimes a particular song comes on and suddenly the walk to the kitchen has a soundtrack.
You’re not just putting the kettle on.
You’re the main character.
The music builds.
You stare thoughtfully out of the window.
Then the microwave beeps.
Back to reality.
The Secret Snack
There’s also the food you eat when nobody else is around.
Something you wouldn’t necessarily admit to having for dinner.
Cold leftovers.
Cereal at 10pm.
Toast with something questionable from the fridge.
A handful of biscuits while standing in front of the cupboard.
No plate.
No cutlery.
No witnesses.
Perfect.
We Are All A Bit Weird
The funny thing is that most of these behaviours aren’t really strange.
They’re just the things we do when we don’t have to worry about how we look to anyone else.
We sing.
We dance.
We talk to ourselves.
We celebrate tiny victories.
We eat odd combinations.
We rehearse conversations.
We make ridiculous noises.
And we occasionally spend several minutes looking for something we’re already holding.
That’s probably the real luxury of being at home.
Nobody is watching.
So you can be completely yourself.
Even if “yourself” is currently dancing around the kitchen with a wooden spoon pretending it’s a microphone.
What’s Your Secret?
Be honest.
What’s the strange thing you do when you know absolutely nobody is watching?
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